Stop letting people walk on you, increase your confidence by becoming more assertive
In the Midwest, director of a small but busy public library, Marcia Fanning (not her real name) says she was humble for many years: “I went around people, and I was very unhappy for a long time.”
But one day everything changed.
He had a small error, and a library trustee who was known for the danger, punished him at Fanning’s personal email address, he was copied to the entire board. Fanning accepted the error, apologized and said that work email should be sent only to its work address Trustee originally sent an email to the working address of the fanning. And then, the next day, he showed up in the library and personally threw fanning in front of his staff
Fanning says, “I said,” “I got up and said, ‘As far as I am concerned that the conversation is over. You have made yourself completely clear, I am sorry, it is over is.’ ”
The woman stepped back, said, “OK, I think we have a director,” which means that Fanning finally showed that she got a tremendous job of job and got out.,
It was three years ago, and fencing never happened. He discovered the power to insist and punish himself, retreated or went away
Together, this looks like a calm attitude for your conversation, but in reality, learning about your stress – what you want, when not necessary, emphasize proper respect, then face the world
British Columbia, Vancouver, British Columbia, Psychologist Randy J. Peterson says, “The uncertainty and lack of process is the cause of worry about facing those people who are afraid of us.” Stand up for yourself on your thoughts and job relationship and how to do the following: 40 strategies you already use
Of course, the idea of emphasizing yourself may be scary
Psychologist Guy Cherch, author of emotional first aid, says, “Maybe you and possibly with resistance, healing rejection, crime, failure, and other daily pain.” “There can be an argument, you may have to prove your case, someone can be unpleasant to you and a subjective call to yourself: It is saying that you are eligible. Worry is like people, Is it going to make me feel like I am devout, entitled, myself? ”
Those who struggle with being outspoken, usually behave in three ways, when they want to emphasize themselves. Patterson explains that they can be inactive, and always give in; Aggressive, and bend people to their will; Or passive-aggressive, and instead of taking their own way, the mischief seeks revenge.
Passive people keep the needs, desires and thoughts of others on themselves and consequently feel uninterrupted or invisible. It is not easy to avoid “more passive you become, and something more intolerant feels like aggression,” Patterson says.
People often confuse intimacy with aggression, imagining it as a desk-pounding, due to the demands of your face. And whenever this sometimes gets effective to get your way, then Paterson explains that this is a short-term solution that is ultimately separated because people dislike and avoid aggressive people.
It begins to learn to emphasize that it starts with understanding that you are not trying to control other people, rather you are controlling your own actions.
And passive-aggressive people try to do it in both ways, give it to others, but then out of strictly out of punishments – for example, behind, retreating or abducting projects To “forget” “The key to passive aggressiveness is inertia,” Patterson says. “You can deny that you do not intend to harm another person …. In general, passive aggression considers itself [only] inactive.”
It begins to learn to emphasize that it starts with understanding that you are not trying to control other people, rather you are controlling your own actions. “There are 7 billion people on earth; you can only control one of them,” Patterson says. Effective assertiveness is to recognize your needs or limitations and then make sure that they will not change or change their behavior by trying to change someone else.
Diana Bacon, a financial planner, who often advises women entrepreneurs, says that they often have difficulty charging what their services or products are. “They see what they have and think, yes, I should start a business. But when it comes to saying, ‘I am going to do this for you, and you are going to pay me x , ‘It’s just going on their mind,’ Bacon says. “It’s I’m-so-sorry syndrome: ‘I’m sorry, I have to charge you for it.'”
To help customers break syndrome, Bacon has focused on his own values rather than the needs of his clients, he has dragged them to their business websites and has read their own BIOS, but someone else’s Enter the name (in their mind) “I say, ‘Imagine we are looking at someone else’s bios.'” Many women have to work behind their retreat to see themselves Sector market value helps to see and understand that is not about to please others by applying fees. They can not control what people want to pay, but they have complete control over the fees they have.
Patterson described a woman who took vigorous training with him and complained about his teenage son, who borrowed his car and always brought him home with the drought of gas tank, even if he scolded.
“After all, he told his son that he is free to bring the car back or without gas,” Patterson says. “If he brings it back with the gas, then he will lend it to the car again, if not, he will still lend it after two weeks interval. We knew that he was saying that he was never a loan. It was unrealistic to think that he was not going to be angry, he was not going to scream, he was not going to Nag. He was going to control himself, not his son. “This strategy did not work immediately, Which was quite specific, but It finally succeeded.
When you need to emphasize yourself, then the best plan is one; Monica Joy, assistant director of design, landscape and construction management, says, “I hear and listen to everyone and I listen to everyone’s views, shoot my head on my head, not just shoot with hip, Monica Joy, Plantation, Florida City, Calculate and keep it there “. “You should have confidence in your decision and always think things before opening your mouth.”
what do you want? To be treated with respect, are you worth, to be paid a full tank of gas? “One of those things that people visit, before they know what their position is, they start talking,” says Peterson. For example, before bending your fist over dry cleaners, which ruined a favorite shirt, decide what you will be happy (when many people think of offering the company that the proposals are big salaried before, To tell what you want, there is a better plan, extreme says, “As long as it is within reason, it is more effective.”
When you have to emphasize yourself, then there should be one for the best plan
And if you are not feeling uncertain about your situation, even then, you know that. Maybe you are planning to have dinner with friends and crave for Greek food, while they are thinking that Hiba’s grill should be one of yours-this craving or I’m-flexible wish? Or maybe you are cooperating with a co-worker on a report and you feel that your title cools down your perception: Is it annoying for you or is it dangerous to disturb the colleague? Ask yourself how important the title is to the overall success of the report and behave accordingly.
Choose a delivery mode
When you decide to talk about an important thing, the best of phone, email or face (suppose you have the option)?
Emails are professional and opposition, Patterson says. Clearly, writing your thoughts, before sending them, is able to be able to review them later (Pattson suggests writing sensitive emails in a word processing program so you can not accidentally send them soon. ) But the lack of non-interactive signals puts email at risk; A joke, in person, can lighten up a situation, may be flat in email
Email and telephone conversations address the pressure of monitoring your oral and non-verbal messages in difficult conversations. Even so, Paterson says, generally the ideal approach is that the trick is learning to control your nonverbal messages. “The practice of adopting a relaxed posture,” Patterson suggests. “Keep in mind that when you get stressed, what do you do to allow your body to adopt that situation, even an extreme form, then you can deliberately change the physical condition. Keep aside, turn your shoulders back and sit back. ”
watch your language
Words are also important in delicate situations when Bacon customers should deliver at least pink news (for example, tell them they want beyond their budget), “I really do not want to use the word I strive to try in almost every situation, the person I am talking to is in favor of me. I will say something like, ‘We have to see it in a different way, so May include I can stay in the team. ”
Winch word is like word disappointed. “It tells your dissatisfaction in such a way that does not speak angry or malicious, it is an easy time to connect people in a collaborative and harmonious way.” The sentence “I think that actually leave it below” is also useful
“You also want to be short,” Extreme is continuing “There can be a lot of references in it, but probably 90 percent does not make any difference, so throwing it will confuse this issue.”
Try to control your anger, too. Joy always tries to solve problems with a calm, friendly attitude and meticulous logic “I’m always right about this. It’s not just my way or highway.” Still, she believes, she never -He always lets him fly from above and regrets it forever.
Angry showing is usually upside down, says extreme. “Wrath is distracts you are working with people, it gets about your anger, and it changes your purpose.” Effective emphasis means that in the middle of its pitch is correct, the goal for cool dignity Not too aggressive, not too humble
Keep in mind that if you have been trying to change the pattern for a long time, you will probably complete the initial resistance, it does not matter how efficiently you insist on yourself. “When you become assertive with other people, they always get worse,” says Peterson. “Whatever problems you are trying to work on are going to accelerate, weakness will almost always go up, from which you can think, why did I do this? If you stick to your limits, then generally the disorder is below Whoever has ever raised a child knows this. ”
Even when you have mastered strategies, it will not always be easy to emphasize yourself “It is a set of skills that gets better with time, but there are always situations where it is the second There is no nature, “says Paterson.
Although Joey is proficient in vigor, she sometimes reaches the limit, she remembers the struggle to commit to committing a contractor to date, after many phone calls, the contractor was naive and hanged over it , So Joey took herself from the job: “I refused to work with anyone who was not a professional.”
Peterson suggests alternative, more vocal approaches, he could say that he had been recalled and he was given the benefit of “small suspicion, which has been bitten,” happiness could have remembered that, the form of contractor In, he works for him, the project manager can ask for more information (can he still make his time limit? Did he expect problems? Did he want to do some work was required?); He may suggest that he looks at this problem from his perspective: “As you know, before we get X, Y and Z, we need our piece, and I have to know the dates when I To get it done. ” Finally, he could ask if he would like to break back and break the contract.
easy? No. And sometimes, in the form of fun, you can choose an easy way from a difficult situation. Nevertheless, vocal skills are capable of developing
Anand used his assertiveness to help his mother, who died of breast cancer when he was 28 years old. He took a year’s work to take care of his mother, took him to the doctor and chemotherapy appointments. She says, “I put my feet down several times,” emphasizing that some of the dismissal doctors had tested, in which they had confirmed the suspicion that the cancer had returned. The tests did not improve the forecast, but made it clear where they were standing
For fanning, there was a turning point for standing up to the unpleasant trustee, which made it more effective manager when the cut in the library budget became very deep, he met each other to make a case with the mayor and members of the council. Of And it worked “I realized, oh, I can really stand up for the adults. It’s hard at first, but oddly, you earn respect for other people. Then I sit in a room alone and myself I prevent it from moving. ”
Bacon says that he “looks for confidence to go to other places where I can not be comfortable, I had weightlifting two years ago, with a group of friends at the gym. I do not have trouble in it. I’m leaving, acting as a 22-year-old boy just like he deserves. ”
Being assertive does not guarantee that you always do what you should always do, but it assures you to know that you can take part in your place in the world. “When you are able to successfully complete yourself, it will spring up in your step,” says Extreme. “You will feel empowered.”